Thursday night

well, as i promised. i will blog about and post pictures of my night-out with sasha, chris and sasha’s friends last thursday. we went to this music town house in bolshaya dmitrovska (in the center of moscow) to watch a famous russian jazz band it wasnt really jazz (it was a fusion of blues/rock or something) perform. sasha and i went to the place early because i was getting sleepy (i was already having second thoughts of going) and she was so hungry (she wouldve finished off all the biscuits in the pantry if we stayed longer. haha). we had a reservation and we got a table right in front of the platform. we got the table reserved for the musicians! haha.

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This too shall pass..

This too shall pass (Hebrew: גם זה יעבור‎) is commonly used to offer condolences or sympathy to someone in pain or suffering.

One day Solomon decided to humble Benaiah Ben Yehoyada, his most trusted minister. He said to him, "Benaiah, there is a certain ring that I want you to bring to me. I wish to wear it for Sukkot which gives you six months to find it." "If it exists anywhere on earth, your majesty," replied Benaiah, "I will find it and bring it to you, but what makes the ring so special?" "It has magic powers," answered the king. "If a happy man looks at it, he becomes sad, and if a sad man looks at it, he becomes happy." Solomon knew that no such ring existed in the world, but he wished to give his minister a little taste of humility. Spring passed and then summer, and still Benaiah had no idea where he could find the ring. On the night before Sukkot, he decided to take a walk in one of the poorest quarters of Jerusalem. He passed by a merchant who had begun to set out the day's wares on a shabby carpet. "Have you by any chance heard of a magic ring that makes the happy wearer forget his joy and the broken-hearted wearer forget his sorrows?" asked Benaiah. He watched the grandfather take a plain gold ring from his carpet and engrave something on it. When Benaiah read the words on the ring, his face broke out in a wide smile. That night the entire city welcomed in the holiday of Sukkot with great festivity. "Well, my friend," said Solomon, "have you found what I sent you after?" All the ministers laughed and Solomon himself smiled. To everyone's surprise, Benaiah held up a small gold ring and declared, "Here it is, your majesty!" As soon as Solomon read the inscription, the smile vanished from his face. The jeweler had written three Hebrew letters on the gold band: _gimel, zayin, yud_, which began the words "_Gam zeh ya'avor_" -- "This too shall pass." At that moment Solomon realized that all his wisdom and fabulous wealth and tremendous power were but fleeting things, for one day he would be nothing but dust.

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I had to make a choice

I just had a major fight with the Lord last night.

 

Recently got back from a trip to Riga and was confronted with my old desires. To go back to my life of so-called “freedom”. Parties, drinking, boys, not caring about anything and anyone. Before I went to Riga, I was already asking, more like demanding, from the Lord why in the world did He have to bring me into such an extreme situation and such an uncomfortable country? I am so in the most uncomfortable position in this place and everybody without exception has always reminded me that. I am alone, no friends, no church, no family, expensive everything, different language, radical changes, really difficult job. I kept asking the Lord why? And then I got to Riga. Lets just say it was a total release and a “liberating” experience for me. I got a whiff of the old life again.

 

Since last week, I was already giving the Lord a cold shoulder. All the old thought patterns were coming back. and that included the depression, moodswings and stuff. Yesterday was the worst. I was so ready to give everything up and turn back. The depression and anger got so bad that I knew I had to stop avoiding the situation and fight this out with God. So I fought with Him.

 

Well, of all the things I ranted and raved about, He just answered “Do you really want to go back to your freedom, MICHELLE?”. He did not the least bit sound compassionate, he sounded firm and angry with me. And I was silenced. All my maldita-ness drew back.

 

I remembered the prodigal son. I thought that I didn’t want to go back because I KNOW, I SO KNOW that it will just end up in dissapointment. Just fleeting happiness. And all the climbing back again will be very very hard.

 

And I complained again that my flesh is so hard to conquer but my spirit is willing and that I need grace blah blah blah. And the Lord just plainly said “no excuses Michelle, you have to make a choice.” And that was all He said. I was so sobered I couldn’t even try to cry and pity myself.

 

I had to make a choice, NO EXCUSES.

 

It took me about 5 hours to pull through. All my eating of tunafish (fyi, omega 3 lessens depression) during the day couldn’t lessen what I was going through (and I ate 3 tunafish out of the can!!).

 

I COULDN’T GO BACK. I COULDN’T. and I just couldn’t keep my feet on both grounds as long as each is convenient for me.

 

so I made my choice. I choose Jesus. And its not even funny or dramatic. I didn’t know it would be this bloody.