overwhelmed

i am seeing how my bosses work and the pressure it takes to make this organization run. i am seeing the brunt of the burden on their shoulders in trying to help a world full of poverty and injustice. i am seeing how its taking a toll on their health and their minds, the pressure of the world's needs, the pressure of peers with different opinions, the pressure of making these opinions unified in running with the vision that Jesus gave us.

it is heavy. a heavy burden to carry. i am just looking in and i see it. i feel it.

and then our nation goes wild when politicians start spending the people's money on extravagant personal whims. everyone is affected. either one becomes angry or one becomes apathetic.

where do i stand? do i blame the world for its impossibly unquenchable needs? do i blame people and politicians for being corrupt? do i blame myself for being angry or apathetic? or do i blame God for letting all these things happen?

... or do i really need to point fingers so i could have some security that there's someone to blame why these are all happening?

i am overwhelmed. I REALLY DONT KNOW. but i choose to appeal to God for intervention. there are just some, well, A LOT of things that i do not know or begin to understand.

i appeal to you God for help in the ministry you have placed on my workplace. we are only after all just working the best way we can in the little way we know but you, you are the one who actually makes this work! i appeal to you on behalf of my nation which is crying out for justice and righteousness. you are not deaf to our cries and you are not blind to what is happening. you have placed and pieced such a generation for such a time as this. you know what is happening more than i would ever understand. and i choose to believe that you are GREATER. GREATER are you who made this world than the giants that try to oppress it.

as for me, i think i would just do what im supposed to do at this time. i am part of this generational dream - this dream God has for this generation, which only works as i continue doing my part, however small it may be. however mundane it may look like.

ABS CBN, thats a foul. World Vision did not comment on GMA's $20k dinner. Please dont take things out of context!

5 things.

1. Never give up on something or someone when the going gets tough, even when it gets really ugly or frustrating. Sometimes, it will really be ugly during a situation but there will always be wisdom at the end of it.
2. I don’t know and I don’t have to know everything. There will always be something beyond me and I don’t have to know that. Just let go and let God be God. He will always do what he will do.
3. Keep it real. There is nothing sadder than masking what one truly thinks or feels because of fear. Remember that there is no fear in love and that God actually knows what we think or feel anyways.
4. People will always have opinions. In a room of 20 people, there will be 45 opinions. So I got to know where I stand and not let anyone sway me.
5. It is okay to make mistakes. I am not a performer and I am not valued for what I am able to do or able to say but I am valued for who I am. It releases a lot of pressure to perform.

more musings...

i was thinking last night before i slept of all the happenings this year. and all that ive been through for the past 6 months oh my. and all the question marks ive left with God and some of His answers to it.

one of those questions was about a happening early this year that totally caused me a lot of pain and trauma. and i was thinking of how the Lord healed me and restored me without any of my striving.

i asked the Lord why he did it and after getting used to not getting an answer regarding this, i suddenly thought of a character in “Hind’s feet on high places”. I remember that the character, Much-Afraid, got a seed, a very thorny seed stuck in her heart by the Shepherd. and it grew to be a very big and beautiful tree in the end. but oh the horrors of what she went through and endured to be transformed from Much-Afraid into Grace and Glory.

you see, i have been telling the Lord that i just couldnt endure another one of those experiences- as i described, as if a big roll of barbed wire was forcibly stuck in the middle of my heart. and i see now that this pain and hurt has established me where i am supposed to be. i have learned, yet again, that I AM LOVED – no matter what i am. I BELONG to Someone and to a family who accepts me. and we are bound with such a thing as covenant.

no more shall i put up all the walls i build everytime i get hurt and hurt i will experience much! growing = some pain. i realize i would be more protected if i lay there bleeding in front of family than covering them up, letting the decay and pus rot my insides. love can only be experienced fully when there is an admission for a need of it.