I just had a major fight with the Lord last night.
Recently got back from a trip to
Since last week, I was already giving the Lord a cold shoulder. All the old thought patterns were coming back. and that included the depression, moodswings and stuff. Yesterday was the worst. I was so ready to give everything up and turn back. The depression and anger got so bad that I knew I had to stop avoiding the situation and fight this out with God. So I fought with Him.
Well, of all the things I ranted and raved about, He just answered “Do you really want to go back to your freedom, MICHELLE?”. He did not the least bit sound compassionate, he sounded firm and angry with me. And I was silenced. All my maldita-ness drew back.
I remembered the prodigal son. I thought that I didn’t want to go back because I KNOW, I SO KNOW that it will just end up in dissapointment. Just fleeting happiness. And all the climbing back again will be very very hard.
And I complained again that my flesh is so hard to conquer but my spirit is willing and that I need grace blah blah blah. And the Lord just plainly said “no excuses Michelle, you have to make a choice.” And that was all He said. I was so sobered I couldn’t even try to cry and pity myself.
I had to make a choice, NO EXCUSES.
It took me about 5 hours to pull through. All my eating of tunafish (fyi, omega 3 lessens depression) during the day couldn’t lessen what I was going through (and I ate 3 tunafish out of the can!!).
I COULDN’T GO BACK. I COULDN’T. and I just couldn’t keep my feet on both grounds as long as each is convenient for me.
so I made my choice. I choose Jesus. And its not even funny or dramatic. I didn’t know it would be this bloody.
congrats gurl :D
ReplyDeletehahahaha.. thanks rue.. i am a bit okay now. He really know how to deal with us noh. hahahah..
ReplyDeletemitch,
ReplyDeletelet me put it this way... when the perspective is 'flesh' you definitely will go back to Egypt. but when you look at your life from the perspective of 'kingdom versus kingdom', you will see in the spirit that everytime you choose flesh you see Satan laughing at Jesus the King of kings and telling him, 'I told you she won't last if you don't tickle her senses with exciting stuff. hahahahahahaha.' many times in my life i had been tempted to turn back but then, i would envision in my head the arrogant face of Lucifer laughing at Jesus and mocking his authority. and that picture would make me immediately stand to my feet and say to the devil :NO WAY! YOU WILL NOT HAVE THE LAST LAUGH! And immediately the Spirit of the Lord would strengthen me and i would crucify my flesh and worship the One TRUE LIVING GOD. i was born to punish Satan for all the rebellion against God. i will never join His minions. I AM TOTALLY SOLD OUT TO JESUS! WHAT EVER THE COST, WHAT EVER IT TAKES. SI JESUS ANG KADUGO TO DEATH PARA DI KO MA IMPYERNO! JESUS IS THE BEST THING THAT EVER HAPPENED TO ME! SELAH.
SALOME
He always gives us a choice, dar. that's how much He loves us but if we're going to be honest about it, the freedom that the earth seems to offer is only an illusion. ;-) true freedom can only be found in Jesus. yeah, it's not easy but He has already provided a way out for us. remember it's the Jesus in you who will enable you to submit and live victoriously.;-) just submit. He is in you and He is greater than he who is in this world. love you dar and i'll keep you in prayer. mwah!
ReplyDeletecorrect jud. aszin correct jud mo. its not even "sayang". pastilan! hahahahaha.. atC yen, do u have YM? daghan ko chika. hahaha..
ReplyDeletehi dar! don't have YM man here in school. di mi pwede though pwede ang meebo. i'll ask around how it works then i'll PM you. much grace and blessings to you darie! the Lord is good! and i know that He'll always grant you the desires of your heart and if your desire is to obey Him, His grace will be there. ;-) i know that for a fact. He honors a heart that wants to obey despite of...;-)
ReplyDeletei also use meebo kay d man pwede sa office ang YM. just type www.meebo.com
ReplyDeleteyou know what's weird dar? When i read your blog, it seemed like I've read it before and when i read pajud all the comments above, it felt even more familiar... murag nagdamgo ko ani... ngek... as in jud dar... anyway, i'm glad you made the right choice. it's easy to fall but very hard, and sometimes, almost impossible to climb back up. Remember that dar. Coz if you decide to fall back next time, you might not be able to climb back anymore. I've seen it happen several times... people who decide to backslide for just one month, thinking they can always go back and repent whenever they want. And up to now, shame and condemnation has kept them from climbing back up. We all have an Egypt that tries to take us back. And sometimes, the meat in Egypt sounds so much better than fighting giants to get a land flowing with milk and honey. But you know what? The delicious meat in Egypt is merely a sweetener to the real enslavery that awaits us.
ReplyDeleteaszin sakto jud. ive been there and i so sooo know the ending very well. and i was thinking jud that if i do fall, there is a possibility that i might not get up again and that sobered me so much. nawala jud akong drama. hahaha.
ReplyDeletemao ba dar? hahahah.. i think bitaw dar..hahah.na im living your life, if you made different choices (na dili the best will ni Lord at that time) before. hahahah.. first, ang imo makati dream, ako nagpuno. haha. now this moscow thing. ako napud nagsalo. hahaha.. ITS JUST A THOUGHT from the top of my head. hahahha.. for those reading, i hope it wont be construed as some new age theory. hahahahhaha..
and add me. claudiamichelleuy@yahoo.com
ReplyDeleteWhat a hard situation. I am so happy that you stood strong and firm in your dedication to follow Jesus. I know it was not easy. We all have something that is a struggle for us. I was never much of a drinker so that was not a hard thing to give up but I loved to gamble. I now have finally come to the point of not having a desire to gamble. Last December my company sent me to Las Vegas for meetings and I did not gamble at all, had no desire to. It takes time, dedication, and will not be easy but stand strong and you will be so much happier in life. I can only imagine how hard it is to be in a place all by yourself that you are not familiar with but remember always that you are not really alone. God Bless You!!!
ReplyDelete