UNGLUED.

thoughts running through my coffee induced system. im coming unglued today.

cant even talk straight today without stuttering. jaap must be wondering why. expectations schmecpectations. i try not to expect but when i am real with myself, i know i do expect and i do expect a lot!!!! he didnt talk about my contract. i am disappointed. a whole lot disappointed.

1 more day and i will be facing my current deepest fear - people, a person i will see again. i dont know. i just cant handle any more pain and hurt and shame right now. i saw some stuff and my stomach got queasy. help me Lord. i really do want to overcome this. my heart is still full of the barbs from last time. heal me Lord. :-( please pull me through. much better if you make a miracle and a healing. and everything will happen contrary to what im expecting.

stress. i think i am being given more responsibility at work and i am being stretched out of my now super comfortable zone. ive already put in pillows and designed my own space over the months and now, i am being pushed out of it. more people involved and really different personalities. more out of my lovely lovely control!

would you make beauty out of these ashes? this cowering frightened little heart? all i have in it right now are shame and barbs of pain, covered for so long, slowly manifesting. - i cant see you.. i am coming unglued. i cant even concentrate on my work right now.

Jesus, would you meet me here?