more musings...

i was thinking last night before i slept of all the happenings this year. and all that ive been through for the past 6 months oh my. and all the question marks ive left with God and some of His answers to it.

one of those questions was about a happening early this year that totally caused me a lot of pain and trauma. and i was thinking of how the Lord healed me and restored me without any of my striving.

i asked the Lord why he did it and after getting used to not getting an answer regarding this, i suddenly thought of a character in “Hind’s feet on high places”. I remember that the character, Much-Afraid, got a seed, a very thorny seed stuck in her heart by the Shepherd. and it grew to be a very big and beautiful tree in the end. but oh the horrors of what she went through and endured to be transformed from Much-Afraid into Grace and Glory.

you see, i have been telling the Lord that i just couldnt endure another one of those experiences- as i described, as if a big roll of barbed wire was forcibly stuck in the middle of my heart. and i see now that this pain and hurt has established me where i am supposed to be. i have learned, yet again, that I AM LOVED – no matter what i am. I BELONG to Someone and to a family who accepts me. and we are bound with such a thing as covenant.

no more shall i put up all the walls i build everytime i get hurt and hurt i will experience much! growing = some pain. i realize i would be more protected if i lay there bleeding in front of family than covering them up, letting the decay and pus rot my insides. love can only be experienced fully when there is an admission for a need of it.